


Mini Sand Sharks

by thundercaya



Series: Exterminator!Steve [3]
Category: Welcome to Night Vale
Genre: Gen, Influenza, Past Relationship(s), Science
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-13
Updated: 2013-11-13
Packaged: 2018-01-01 09:19:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,642
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1043119
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thundercaya/pseuds/thundercaya
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><i>You</i> try being Night Vale's only exterminator and see how long you stay out of mortal peril.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Mini Sand Sharks

A large percentage of the calls Steve Carlsberg got were for ordinary pests. One unusual creature was always more than enough, but at least he could generally go a couple weeks without having to deal with them. There was, however, one pest that he always dreaded. Gophers. More than half the time, gopher calls actually ended up being about mini sand sharks.

The City Council didn't recognize the existence of mini sand sharks. Normal-sized sand sharks, yes. Mini ones, no. Forget that Steve brought the carcass to City Hall the first time he killed one. Forget that he mailed them one every time since. They still maintained that mini sand sharks did not exist. He'd given up on it for now, giving the last one to Carlos the scientist rather than the City Council. Maybe _he'd_ manage to prove they existed.

Steve arrived for his gopher job and put on the proper protective equipment. He'd never been bitten by a gopher or a mini sand shark, and he didn't want today to be the first time. Setting his traps, he was relieved to find no signs of mini sand sharks. The only tracks were gopher tracks, not the belly marks of a shimmying shark. There were also no signs of gopher viscera. All in all, it looked like a normal job.

Steve went about the rest of his day, tackling a wasp nest here and there, plugging up ant hills. He returned to the gopher site in the evening, to collect his traps. He put his protective equipment back on just in case and then emptied his small traps into one large cage. When he was finished, he put the cage and his protective equipment in the back of his truck. He locked it then made his way to the front to get in. That was when he stepped in a gopher hole.

He was lucky he didn't break his ankle, really, but his luck ended there. The impact of his fall must have disturbed a mini sand shark hiding just below the ground, because one burst through and bit right into his forearm. Steve let out a curse, jumping to his feet, and held his arm out away from his body. The mini sand shark dangled there, and Steve had to force himself not to just yank it off, knowing it would take a good amount of flesh with it if he did so. Instead he smacked it on the nose, and when it let go and dropped to the ground, he kicked it as hard as he could away from him.

"Fuck!" he said, gripping the wound, trying to keep pressure on it. He got in his truck and used his first aid kit to clean and wrap up the wound. He could move the arm well enough to drive, so he started to head home, ready to keep an eye on it overnight. On the way there he started to feel a little warm, and his nose was starting to run. This shouldn't be happening from an animal bite. Home later, he decided. Hospital now.

It was difficult for Steve to drive, as his eyes itched and watered. His head was also spinning to the point where he had to park the truck and walk the rest of the way. When he entered the hospital, clutching his arm, a nurse approached him.

"Can you tell me what happened, sir?" she asked him.

"I got...." He almost couldn't form coherent thoughts now. "A mini sand shark. I got bit by a mini sand shark."

The nurse stared at him. "Sir.... There's no such thing as a mini sand shark. Please tell me what really bit you."

"It was...." Perhaps if he had more presence of mind he might have lied. Said anything else bit him so that they would help him. As it was all he could do was tell the truth. "It was a mini sand shark."

"I'm sorry, sir," the nurse said. "We don't have time for pranks. I'm afraid you're going to have to leave."

***

Steve stumbled down the street hardly aware of where he was going. Every once in a while he stopped to vomit on the sidewalk, or if he got lucky, in a trash can. He realized he was near Carlos' lab. Not a bad idea, even if he hadn't actively thought of it until just then. He found the right property, then cut across the dry lawn. He was almost at the door when he collapsed, face first. He didn't move for the rest of the night.

***

Carlos always came into the lab on weekends. Sometimes he came to check on ongoing experiments. Sometimes he came just to see if he was inspired. He was lucky that Cecil allowed him to do this, and it helped that Cecil considered helping him in the lab to be a date as long as the other scientists weren't there.

As Carlos came up the walk, he didn't notice Steve, distracted by his thoughts as he was, not to mention the fact that Steve's uniform was almost the same color as the dead grass. It was the ringing of Steve's phone that caught his attention. Carlos glanced around and then spotted him.

"Oh my God!" Carlos exclaimed, rushing over to Steve and flipping him over onto his back. Breathing. Good. "Hey!" He shook Steve. "Hey, Steve! Wake up! Steve, are you--"

Steve let out a groan and gave a grimace. Carlos let go of him and jumped back several feet--Steve's teeth were large and sharply pointed.

"Wha...." Steve voice was broken and unsteady. He sat up and glanced around, rubbing his head. Spotting Carlos, his eyes widened as he remembered everything. "Carlos!" he said. "Thank God! You have to help me."

"Steve?" Carlos said, cautiously approaching again. "It.... It is you, isn't it? Your.... your teeth...."

"Yeah, it's me," Steve said, struggling to stand up. Carlos quickly moved to help him. "I got.... I got bit by a mini sand shark."

"You.... You're burning up, Steve. Come on, come inside," Carlos said, helping him up the doorstep. "Sit down and you can tell me all about it."

Steve's phone started ringing again.

"Shit, that's my daughter," Steve said of the ringtone. "I can't-- She can't know." He sent the call to voicemail and dialed his ex-wife. "Bella," he said when she answered.

"Steven, is that you?" Bella asked. "You sound awful."

"You should see me," Steve said, as Carlos helped him sit. "Listen, Bella, I need you to watch Stella. Tell her I'm-- Well, look, don't let her call me. I can't let her hear me sounding like this. Tell her I'm being re-educated."

"You'd rather she think that than whatever's really going on?" Bella asked, sounding alarmed.

"Yes," Steve said. "Now go get her. Take her somewhere fun. I'll pay you back, I promise. Unless I die. Then you'll have to ask her."

"Steven, you--"

"Goodbye, Bella," he said before hanging up.

Carlos handed Steve a box of tissue for his runny nose and Steve quickly caught Carlos up on the situation. The bite, his symptoms, his experience at the hospital.

"Do you think you can help me?" Steve asked. "Have you looked at the mini sand shark I brought you?"

"I.... No, I haven't," Carlos admitted. "I meant to, but I.... I've been so backed up, I just. Hell, I really should have, but-- Look, Steve, I'll do my best. I just have to call--"

The doorbell rang and Carlos winced.

"Oh," Steve said. "Him, huh?"

"Yeah," Carlos said. "I'll be right back." He went to the door where Cecil waited on the step.

"Hey, honey," Cecil greeted, smiling brightly. "Ready for a science-filled day?"

"Hey, Cece," Carlos said, smiling nervously. "I sure am. Actually, some _really_ urgent science just came up, so if you don't mind--"

Cecil glanced past Carlos into the lab and spotted Steve, who gave a weak wave. Cecil's eyes first went wide and then they narrowed.

"Carlos," he said in a growl. "What is _he_ doing here?"

"Turning into a sand shark, I think," Carlos said. "Come inside, babe."

Cecil was willing to enter the lab, but he was not willing to just accept the situation.

"Carlos!" he said. "You promised me I could help you with science today!"

"You still can!" Carlos insisted. "This is science! He-- Steve, show him your teeth."

Steve gave a sneer and Cecil stared.

"See, babe?" Carlos said. "Something's wrong with Steve and he asked me to help him. You can help me do that."

"Why are you helping him at all?" Cecil asked.

"What, you think I should just let whatever's happening to him happen?"

"Sure, why not? He doesn't look that bad to me. Ooh, pointy teeth. He'll be a hit on St. Patrick's Day."

"Look Cecil, I know the two of you don't get along, but it would mean a lot to me if you would help me out with this. No one has ever been bitten by a mini sand shark--"

"Because they don't exist," Cecil put in.

"Right. Well, _something_ bit him. And if you help me figure out what it was and how to fix this, you'll be a pioneer in science. And...." Carlos lowered his voice and raised his eyebrows. "I'll make sure you don't regret it."

"If you think I wouldn't regret--"

"I'll make it worth your while," Carlos tried again.

"You couldn't pay me enough to--"

"Cecil, I'm trying tell you I'll give you the best blow job of your life if you help me."

"Well, it's a good thing I already spent the whole night puking," Steve said loudly.

Cecil glared at him and Carlos turned red.

"Fine," Cecil said. "I'll do it for _you_ , Carlos."

"Right. Uh... Steve.... I'm gonna... defrost that mini sand shark you gave me, and I'm gonna take some of your blood. Is that all right?"

"Fine," Steve said. "Should be pretty pure, too. I haven't eaten since yesterday afternoon."

"Yeah, that's good for the sample, but probably not for you," Carlos said. "You should eat something after. Uh... I think I have some oatmeal here. How does that sound?"

"Normally it would sound fine," Steve said. "Right now it sounds like you offered me a bowl of dog shit."

Carlos winced. "I was afraid of that. Steve.... What do mini sand sharks eat?"

"Gophers," Steve said.

"Okay. Anything else?"

"Sometimes they cannibalize."

Cecil grabbed Carlos and pulled him away from Steve.

"They eat _other mini sand sharks_ ," Steve said. "Not people."

"Well, the gophers sound easier to get," Carlos said.

"Much easier," Steve said. "I have a cage full of them in my truck. It's parked a couple blocks down from the hospital. Uh, east of it. Probably."

"Great," Carlos said. "I'll take the blood, get some tests going, then Cecil and I will get your truck.  How does that sound?"

"More like a plan than anything I would have thought of," Steve said. "But if I can add something to that, could I have some sand?"

"Uh, yeah," Carlos said. He handed Cecil a bucket. "Here, babe. Go outside and get some sand. Steve, if you don't mind, I'd like to put you in a holding cell while we're gone. No offense or anything, but even though you seem pretty human right now, I don't know how... sand shark you'll be when we get back."

"Yeah, sure," Steve said.

When Cecil returned, Carlos was injecting Steve's blood into a couple of mice.

"Don't let those things out," Steve called from the bench in his cell, which wasn't yet locked. "I don't want them breeding into the mouse population and giving me trouble later."

"Don't worry, Steve. They're not going anywhere," Carlos said. "Oh hey, Cecil. Just give him the sand and we'll get going."

Cecil walked up to the cell, and he had to admit that Steve looked pretty bad. Pale, sweaty, and smeared with dirt. "Uh, here," he said, holding the bucket out to him.

"Yeah, thanks," Steve said, taking it. He grabbed a handful of sand and rubbed it on his face and hair. "That's better."

Cecil backed out of the cell and locked it.

***

"You don't really think he was bitten by a mini sand shark, do you?" Cecil asked as he and Carlos climbed into Carlos' car.

"I don't know, babe," Carlos said. "What do _you_ think bit him?"

"Normal-sized sand shark?" Cecil suggested.

"A normal-sized sand shark would've taken his arm off. And it wouldn't make him want to eat gophers."

"Well, why would mini sand sharks eat gophers anyway? Normal sand sharks eat people. So do giant ones."

"I thought giant ones weren't real either," Carlos said.

"They're not," Cecil said. "But at least _that_ story is consistent with the real thing."

***

Bella stared at her phone after Steve hung up on her. For a moment she considered calling him back, but instead she dialed up their daughter.

"Mom, thank goodness," Stella said. "Dad never came home last night. I've been calling him all morning and he won't pick up."

"Your father is fine, sweetie," Bella said. "I just got off the phone with him. Some urgent business came up, and he wants me to look after you. I'm a bit busy myself, though, so why don't you just hang out with your friends today?"

"Is... is Dad in trouble again?"

Bella sighed. "Yes, sweetheart."

"Dad needs to chill out before the Sheriff's Secret Police just kill him."

"Yes, dear, I agree," Bella said. "Speaking of your father chilling out, what's something he doesn't normally let you do?"

"Go with my friends to Radon Canyon."

"Well, then I think it's time for you to get your friends together and go to Radon Canyon. And if your father asks where you were all day...?"

"I was with you."

"That's my girl!" Bella said. "I'll call you later to solidify our alibis. Have fun, sweetie."

Bella hung up her phone. Time to find out what was wrong with Steve.

***

"I don't want to drive his truck," Cecil said, standing next to it with Carlos.

"Well, you're going to have to, babe," Carlos said. "I haven't driven stick in like ten years."

That was when Bella pulled up.

"Hello boys," she said. "I see Steve Carlsberg's truck, but no Steve Carlsberg. Seeing as you seem to have his keys, would you mind telling me where he is?"

"Steve's a bit under the weather," Carlos said. "I can tell him you asked for him. What's your name?"

"Carlos," Cecil said. "Have you met Bella Masters, Steve's ex-wife?"

"Oh," Carlos said, and Bella smiled. "You're the one he spoke to earlier. You already know it's pretty bad, then. He got bitten by a mini sand shark--"

"Or something," Cecil cut in.

"--or something," Carlos amended. "I'm trying to help him out, but honestly, I don't know what--Shouldn't you be with your daughter?"

"Stella can handle herself for now," Bella said. "She's a big girl. It's Steven I'm worried about."

"Well, I'm doing the best I can," Carlos said. "I'll let you know if there are any updates."

"Of course," Bella said. "Good luck boys." She drove off again.

***

When Carlos and Cecil returned, Steve was sitting on the floor of the cell, a pile of sand and mangled wood beside him. Steve was running his fingers through the sand and rubbing it onto the places on his face where his runny nose and watery eyes kept washing it away.

"Did you eat your bench?" Cecil asked.

"Just chewed it up," Steve said. "The bucket, too."

"And the bars," Cecil said, noticing teeth marks on the metal as he unlocked the cell.

"Yeah," Steve said, scratching the back of his head. "I wasn't trying to break out or anything. I just needed to bite something."

"Well, you can bite these," Carlos said, handing the cage to Steve, who perked up instantly. "I wasn't sure how to open it, so--"

Steve ripped the cage open with his teeth, grabbed a gopher and shoved as much of it as he could into his mouth before biting.

"Steve, you-- Oh, that's awful," Cecil said, turning away. He noticed that Carlos was watching, entranced. "Carlos, honey, don't look!"

"This is fascinating!" Carlos said. "What do they taste like to you, Steve?"

"What do they--" Cecil said. "They taste like gophers!"

"Actually, they taste like imaginary corn," Steve said, blood leaking from his mouth, bits of fur and other things caught between his teeth.

Cecil paled. "You--" He gave a dry heave. "Only you could ruin imaginary corn, Steve Carlsberg."

"Sit down or something if you're not feeling well, babe," Carlos said. "I have to run some tests."

***

Cecil sat with his back to the cell, cringing at the sounds of chewing and squealing. When the sounds stopped, Cecil gave it a moment and then spoke.

"Can I turn around or are you still shoveling live animals into your gullet?" he asked.

"I'm done," Steve confirmed, and Cecil turned his chair around, catching Steve wiping his mouth on his sleeve.

"Feel any better?" Cecil asked.

"Well, my head's not spinning anymore," Steve said. He grabbed a handful of sand and rubbed it on his throat and neck. "But I'm still leaking from my face, and I have a really strong urge to burrow. I mean, I've had moments in my life where I wanted to crawl into a hole and die, but right now I want to crawl into a hole and live there."

"Carlos will figure something out," Cecil said. "He's the greatest scientist Night Vale has ever seen. Possibly the greatest that ever lived."

"Cecil!" Carlos called. "Cecil, come here!"

"There, see?" Cecil said. "Sounds like a breakthrough already. Coming, sweetheart!"

***

"You're gonna love this, Cecil," Carlos said, moving aside to let Cecil look into his microscope.

"What am I looking at?" Cecil asked.

"Mini sand shark DNA, only according to the DNA, it's not a mini sand shark at all."

"Told you! So what _is_ it?"

"It's a gopher."

"Come again, honey?" Cecil said, looking at Carlos.

"Genetically, it's a gopher. The sand shark-like appearance seems to be due to a virus."

"Like a... sand shark flu?"

"Yes. Steve's infected with it. But his immune system is fighting it off better than a gopher's. Or a mouse's." Carlos gestured toward the mouse cage, and when Cecil glanced at it, he did a double take.

"Mini mini sand sharks!" Then, "shouldn't they be trying to eat each other?"

"I was wondering about that, too," Carlos said. "But I think the cannibalism is a means to spread the virus, and since the virus is intended for gophers, that's what they'd eat, the idea being that some will get away infected instead of eaten. But we've got bigger things to worry about than why shark gophers eat each other and shark mice don't. Steve's immune system wasn't fast enough to stop the transformation completely, and now it's fighting the parts of him that already turned."

"You don't mean...."

"I do. I've got some tests running right now to try and find a cure, but if I don't find it fast enough, then Steve is gonna die."

***

Bella dropped her smile as she drove away from Steve's truck. Mini sand shark indeed! She'd worked too hard to keep Steve Carlsberg alive this long. She wasn't going to let this do him in.

She went straight to the Night Vale CDC.

"Sheriff's Secret Police business," Bella said, flashing her credentials to the president's secretary, who would probably have to be re-educated later since Bella hadn't had time to change into uniform to hide her identity. She barged right into the president's office. He was a gelatinous blob who communicated by changing his color and texture.

"Dr. Gupta, I need the sand shark flu treatment."

Dr. Gupta turned a purplish color.

"Yes, I'm aware that I'm perfectly healthy. It's not for me. It's for Steve Carlsberg."

His surface turned rough.

"Yes, yes, the radical. If you want to know why he's still alive you can contact the Sheriff yourself but if he finds out you let Steven die there's going to be trouble for you."

Dr. Gupta turned bright blue.

"I know it hasn't been approved yet, but he needs it now. The only reason a treatment even exists is because _he_ keeps sending us specimens."

He took on a furry texture.

"I know. I know he thinks they're mini sand sharks. He's an exterminator, not a taxonomist. You expect _him_ to know the difference?"

Dr. Gupta's surface turned spiky.

"He keeps the population in check! If he dies, who's gonna do it? You? They'll get out of control and everyone will catch it. Do you think your reputation could survive an epidemic like that? If the Sheriff's angry with you he's not gonna help you cover it up."

Dr. Gupta turned green, and then black.

"Fine, have your secretary bring me the form. I'll fill it out. But do it fast!"

***

Cecil brought Steve a fresh bucket of sand. After adding it to his pile, Cecil sat outside Steve's cell while Carlos continued to work on a cure.

"So... Stella's doing well?" Cecil asked.

"She's fine," Steve said, digging his hands into his sand pile and pulling them out again. "School, rehearsals, you already know. Level with me, here, Cecil. I'm not gonna make it, am I? That's why your scientist told you to come over here and play nice with me?"

"I...." Cecil averted his gaze. "Well, there's a chance, yes...."

"Thought so," Steve said. "You know, it's cute that you'll do things you don't want to when he asks you to. I'm not making fun of you or anything. I mean that."

"It's not like...." Cecil began. "It's not like I wouldn't have done it for you, at one time."

"I know," Steve said. "I never told you what I wanted. I always just expected you to know. That was my problem. But that ties directly with _your_ problem. Maybe someone like you who just says whatever he's thinking can't understand it, but you, Cecil Palmer, are infuriatingly bad at taking hints. This guy seems like he's pretty direct, so that's helping you right now, but one of these days he's gonna want to feel like you know him well enough to know what he wants. And you'd better. He's more like me than he is like you, and I know you know that's true." Steve coughed, and when he moved his fist up to cover his mouth, he nicked his knuckle on a tooth. He winced, examining the wound.  "Well. Maybe not right now."

"You know, I don't understand why you think you're not funny," Cecil said.

"Was that funny?" Steve asked. He coughed again. "I didn't intend for it to be."

"Intention isn't everything" Cecil said.

"Clearly," Steve said. "Your intention right now is to help your boyfriend, but it's all the same to me."

"Well, if it means anything," Cecil said, "I do hope you make it."

"Heh." More coughing. "That's nice of you to say."

"I mean it," Cecil said. "Who else would I say mean things about on the radio?"

"You could still use me," Steve said. He coughed a bit and went on.  "Have, uh, a weekly segment called 'Remember when Steve Carlsberg.' Remember when Steve...." He broke into a fit of coughing. "Carlsberg...." More coughing.  "Spilled his... his coffee on a hooded.... figure." Steve collapsed forward and Cecil jumped to his feet.

"Steve?" He threw open the cell door and dropped to his knees, flipping Steve over. "Steve! Carlos, Steve's not breathing!"

"Shit!" Carlos ran over. "It's not ready yet. Cece, check his pulse."

"It's really fast."

"Not with your thumb, Cecil. That's _your_  pulse."

Cecil switched fingers. "It's really weak. No, it's--"

"Here," Carlos said, pushing Cecil out of the way and laying Steve flat on his back. He began performing hands-only CPR, and then the doorbell rang. It rang again, then again, someone hitting the button quickly and repeatedly.

"Cecil, go tell whoever that is that I'm busy. I can't focus with that ringing."

Cecil hurried to the door, yanking it open, and found no one there. He stepped outside for a better look, then Bella emerged from behind a bush, an autoinjector in her hand. She jammed it into Cecil's neck, injecting him with a sedative usually reserved for people about to be re-educated.

"Sweet dreams, Voice of Night Vale," she said, throwing him into the bushes. She burst into the lab, pulling out a second autoinjector.

"Scientist," she said, shoving the autoinjector into Carlos' hand. "Jugular."

Carlos injected Steve and his breath came back in a gasp. Carlos looked up at Bella.

"What--"

"Don't ask," Bella said. "When _he_ asks, tell him it was you. And if you care at all about your chatty little friend, make sure he thinks it was you, too."

Bella hurried out and Carlos shoved the autoinjector in the pocket of his lab coat before turning his attention back to Steve.

"Hey, Steve," he said. "Steve, are you there?"

Steve opened his eyes. "Am I alive or is Night Vale where dead people go?"

"You're alive," Carlos assured. "I checked out that other possibility long ago. Your, uh.... Your teeth are normal again. How're you feeling?"

"Not my best," Steve admitted, sitting up. "But well enough to care that there's as much snot on my face as there is dirt, so that's an improvement."

Carlos picked the tissue box off the floor and handed it to Steve. "I do have a shower here, and I think I saw some extra clothes in your truck. You shouldn't try to stand up yet, though. Listen, can I get some more of your blood? I want to run some more tests." Specifically, he wanted to reverse-engineer whatever Bella had brought him and see if he had even been on the right track.

"Sure, take whatever you need," Steve said. "Hell, you want one of my teeth?"

"Uh...." Tempting, actually. "No, that won't be necessary."

While Carlos took his blood, Steve took out his phone and dialed his daughter.

"Stella? Hi honey. Yeah, I'm fine. I'm... fine. I'll be going back to the house soon. Can you ask your mother to take you home? She-- You're _where_?! Stella Carlsberg, you-- No, don't wait for me. Go home this instant. I--" Suddenly he cringed, hand going to his stomach. "Sweetheart, I have to go. I'll see you at the house. Love you." He hung up the phone and looked at Carlos. "Where's your--"

"Down the hall, second door on the left."

Steve made a dash for the bathroom and Carlos went to divide Steve's blood into usable samples.

"Oh, shit, Cecil!" Carlos left the blood on the counter and rushed outside. He found Cecil and pulled him out of the bushes. "Shit, what did she--" He shook Cecil. "Hey! Cecil! Wake up!"

Cecil groaned, opening his eyes.

"Carlos?" he said thickly. "There wasn't anybody at the door, honey." He put a hand to his head. "Did I fall down?"

"Yeah," Carlos said. "You fell down. You all right?"

"I think, so, but--" His eyes widened. "Steve! Is he--"

"Steve's fine," Carlos said, leading Cecil back inside. "He's just in the restroom, throwing up. Maybe."

"Are you sure he's all right? He can't be that much better if he's throwing up."

"Cecil," Carlos said. "He ate like twelve live gophers."

Cecil winced. "Don't remind me, or I'll have to kick him out of there. Are we pioneers in science now?"

"Yeah," Carlos said, fingering the autoinjector from Bella in his pocket. "We are. Good science today, babe. Real good science."


End file.
